Rodney Dangerfield jokes that make me laugh:

I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can't find him. I don't know what he looks like.

I tell ya, I know I'm ugly. My dog closes his eyes before he humps my leg.

We were poor, too. If I wasn't born a boy, I would have nothing to play with.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don't make it.

What a doctor I've got. He's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and asked me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek. She bent over.

I saw "The Manchurian Candidate" last Saturday. I saw the original version several years ago. Meryl Streep did a great job in the Angela Lansbury role. She has a great scene where she has to convince a political group that her son is a better vice presidential candidate than the one they wanted to choose. When she starts talking about how his beliefs were forged in Kuwait in the desert in the dark, I almost wanted to vote for him. Still, she didn't have the evil look that Lansbury brought to the role. Secondly, Denzel Washington can't compare with Frank Sinatra.

Don't look for miracles.
You yourself are the miracle.
Henry Miller